Broken
Yes, I have been broken many times. Too many to be counted in fact. But, this time. I really felt shattered, useless. But, is there anything that I can do to mend it? I don't think there is. I think I can only blame myself for being so broken this time. For not having the urgency to get the particulars. For causing all these trouble. For breaking everyone down. I just feel that I suck. I don’t see any qualities in me. All I know is to say, say and say, but not do, do and do.
Also, I have misjudged once more. Yes, I may have judged one correctly, but I’ve judged the other one wrongly. I feel hurt to hurt. I know even a million apologies won’t help. I have a heart, not made of stone. I have feelings, that maybe no one know. I may look fierce, without feelings but I do have. I do expect much, but I do care about how others feel. I do care. I had tried to ask around, to seek possibilities. But it can’t be mended. It really can’t.
I feel crashed down. I feel like crying. I need a support.
I have so much to say, but I don’t know how to put them in words. There is so much running through my mind. I want to tell it to someone, but no one is free. Who really understands how I feel? Who really cares about it? I guess, not a single soul. How I wish I can just sleep and not wake.
Everyone have their own disabilities.
Stuffs that they want to do, but they can’t.
Not cause they are lazy, but its not given to them.
But, what makes them different?
Its just something of the minority.
Why can’t people treat it as special?
But instead, people often look down on them.
Or laugh at them.
Its sad true, that many don’t see the hurt.
Maybe people don’t know it hurts.
Maybe people don’t know about the disability.
That, no one can blame.
What about those that knows about it?
What about those close to whom is different?
Why are they still laughing?
Why don’t they understand?
It has really set me thinking.
It really hurts.
I am born this way, I can’t control it.
People don’t hurt me directly.
But indirectly, I feel sad.
Why am I so different?
I don’t blame those for not seeing it.
Maybe they just need time to find out just like those that knows.
But I just want to say it for those whom knows others disabilities.
Don’t dig out their disabilities.
Cause they don’t want to have it.
It hurts when you guys dig them out, understand?
-Juliana
The feeling inside…
I know, a few days have passed. But, I still can’t believe it. I don’t understand how I felt then. What make me want to do it. I knew perfectly that I miss it, a lot. More than anything else. But, because of responsibility, I couldn’t let down. I couldn’t just leave like that. I did not. But, what happened? I did not get what I want back in return. I know I did not put in my best. I know I did not do very well. But, I did try and want to do it. I don’t see that from them. I don’t know why, but they don’t seem to feel the way that I do. Am I wrong? Am I putting in too much effort? Or are they really that tired? I don’t know.
But, It made me learn. Made me understand truly that if there is only one person trying to work very hard whilst the rest doesn’t want it. It doesn’t work that way. Nothing will come out of it. Maybe it is very important to me, but if it doesn’t mean anything to them. Nothing will be achieved.
I thought through. Its not as though I did not say some of what she said before, in fact I repeated it quite a few times. Its not as though I’ve not explained myself clearly that I need their help. Its not as though they aren't trying to put in more effort. But, maybe it isn’t enough. Disappointed. Yes, I was very. I could guarantee myself at that moment. I could no longer find back the same old feeling 2years back. Its totally different. Yes, we did slack then, but everyone of us then put in our best.
I thought that things would be different when she is there. I thought that somehow when she is there, everyone would put in our best. Cause that was what happened to us in the past. But, it didn’t happen. I thought it did, but it didn’t. She put in her best trying to motivate us. But, we did not return back the same amount. I really don’t know why the rest seems as though nothing had happened. Was I too emotional? Maybe. Cause, its my weak point. My weakest point of all. But I don’t blame them totally.
Today, I’ve also realized. Almost 4years have passed. The long 4years that I’ve been waiting for. Its going to arrive real soon. I would say that I am quite happy about it, but also quite sad. Mixed feelings. Its nostalgic. How much I’ve changed through it. How have I learnt to think about things in another way. How much discipline I’ve gained since then. I was bad, am bad. But, its a different way. I am bad at times now, but I feel that I’ve tried my best to discipline myself. Also, I won’t forget those times where I rebelled, never. Its a hard way through here. But its all worthwhile. Disappointed at myself at times, but I guess its just part and parcels of life. ((:
-Juliana
Putting On a Mask
Yes. Maybe I have once put on a mask. But the mask broke open, and my feelings overflowed. I’d lost my face in front of others too many a time. I have cried in front of others too many a time. I feel like I am a loser. Someone whom can’t control my emotions. Lousy.
This time, I am determined. Determined to put on that mask once more, and never let it break apart. This shall be the last post about my sad life. About the life that hurts. There would never be any posts left. This little space here will remain, but there won't be any news of that loser. Never anymore. ((:
The loser that you’ve once known have gone into hiding.
Bye. ((:
What is life about? Can anyone tell me? Cause I don’t know the answer. I really don’t. At times, some people seems to have so much fun. But have anyone seen the mask behind their faces? Or maybe some people appears to be gloomy, but in their heart they are smiling? I don’t know, and I have no rights to say anything about this.
But, amongst all those sad things, those dark and gloomy days. Those lonely nights. Those fearful obstacles that you have to overcome. There would often be some light. Some form of hope for anyone. Maybe when you are really down and out, there would be a hand out there, reaching out for you. Trying to pull you up, helping you. I don’t know.In life, there would often be many obstacles placed out for you. There would definitely be some things for you to be afraid of. Including me. Someone told me today that I look as if I am not afraid of anything. I smiled back and replied politely, “Oh Really?” But, in my heart. I was thinking. Thinking. Is it cause of the mask that I put on that tells others that I am strong? That I am not afraid of anything? I don’t know, but I guess it is. For, I always appeared strong, I guess. Not many had seen my tears. Yes, tears do drop from my eyes often. But, I will try not to.
I don’t know if its a compliment or not. But, I guess those “hard work” that I had put in, to put on that heavy mask, had paid off? I don’t know. But yes. I do feel sad and emotional. Yes. I have feelings too. But, if you don’t care about my feelings. I don’t see why I should care about your feelings. Get it? I don’t know why I am saying this, but. It just comes out. ((:So now, to everyone out there, facing any obstacles. Remember this.
Even when everything falls, there would be some form of light. Wait for it to shine at you, and guide you through your way out. ((:
Sometimes, all I need is just a hug.