I’ll Stand By You – Carrie Underwood
Its a nice song. Was touched when I heard this song for the first time. Its meaningful. It made me think once more. Again. What are friends for? Will they stand by you when you are down and out? Or will they leave you behind? Or better, will they say words that makes you feel more hurt? I don’t know.
For the past few months, I’ve seen through a lot. I don’t know who can I trust, I don’t know who will laugh at me when I fall. I don’t know who will stand by me. All I know is, I’ve lost some friends. But at the same time, I have gained many. ((:
Thanks to those whom stood by me these few months, listening to my constant ranting. ((:
Till then . ((:
If you leave me behind, I won’t do anything.
If you stand by me, I will stand by you too.
1:44 PM
Changed and Still Changing. Growing
I was talking to a senior. A senior that I once disliked, and had a grudge with. But now, we are good friends. We often talk. I told her that my next aim is to become a Cadet Inspector. She told me this “Its good to have a passion. ((:” And, I told her somehow its not my passion. Somehow, its the things that happened that touched me.
Its because of this, that I have met nice and caring seniors that would be there to help me, to guide me. Nice and caring seniors that would always be there whenever I need them. Even though these relationships started out to be bad, with grudges, but it always ends up smooth. At least for now. I told her, that I am being touched by how passionate the person that I’ve seen. How they could forsake their hair and make a sacrifice.
Also, I told her that it enjoy seeing my cadets changing and growing up just like I do. My cadets resembles me, because I used to rebel my Cadet Leaders too. I enjoy imparting my skills to them, teaching what is right to them, teaching them some skills that will allow them to bring back after the end of their 4/5 years.
Also, this had made me learn many things. It made me see through some people. It made me recognize some friends that are hard to find. Some friends that appear to be joking to you, but deep down, they really do care. Also, I won’t forget those that made me not leave NP when I wanted to, many times. Yes, I wanted to turn my back against it and walk away, because I dislike the things that I have to do. I can say proudly, I am still here, because of my cadets. Its the amount that they have changed that spurs me on. Even though they do disappoints me at times, I am proud to see them changing, to see them learning.
Upon saying this. She told me. “You have grown up.” I proceeded on to continue, that I am still changing and learning from each training. Trying to be someone better as compared to the past. Then, she said something that made me touched. Real touched. “This is so like a matured girl.”
Since the day she’d passed out as a cadet leader. I have always been sharing with her my journey here, ranting to her and telling her what I am going through or have been through. But never once have she said that I have matured. The most is that she had said that I had grown. I was happy to receive that comment. But, I still think that I have not matured, because I still have a whole lot to learn. I still need to change, to control my temper. To let fate control things. To do things that people ask me to, to not procrastinate. There are so many weak points in me that I had named it out to her. Also, I told her that I still reacts the same way as I did in the past. But now, after reacting, I do think about my mistakes, reflecting them and trying to make amendments and change. Then, she told me this. “Yes. In the past, you wouldn’t think so far. ((: That is the part that you’ve changed.” And, that was the end of our sharing today.
You may ask, why am I posting it out now? I am posting it out now, because I want to show that I really mean what I’ve been saying for the past few days. I will still continue to change and grow. To become matured, and to understand things more. I will try to let things be done by fate. Not forgetting, I won’t let my feelings take over me. I will do what I am supposed to do.
All in all, this have shaped me and changed me to another person. I would too, like to change others just like others changed me. I would like to do something good in return, in another year to come. Wait for me. When I say I will, I will.
I may not forget what had happened, I may still hold the grudge against that person. But, its hard to change. Because, that person had hurt me badly. Nothing can change the fact. What can be changed now, is my attitude towards things. How am I going to face with challenges in the future. As for that person, I am still trying to throw her to the back of my memory. ((:
Till then. ((:
11:26 PM
Weak.
Yes, weak. This is what I think about myself. Weak. Yes, physically I may appear to be strong. But, I think that mentally, I am weak. Darn weak. Something that seems so small to others can get me down fast. Tears always just drop down when I feel sad. It sounds normal. But, I am sad for something that is not worth it.
I don’t know why, but somehow. I have built a wall to protect myself against you. But, you don’t seem to feel anything at all. You treated me like normal, just that that we are not the same anymore. Somehow I don’t know what is going on right now.
I try to not let serious things get into our way because of it. But sometimes it feels real hard. At times, I don’t even want to see your face. Thus I tend to avoid you. Its only till now, that I’ve realized that we used to be so close so close. So close, that others say that too. I don’t know why its like this now.
Alright. Bad things aside.
Till then. ((:
I want to Thank someone,
For being there for me.
For crying because I cried.
For patting my back, giving me a hand to hold on to when I felt bad.
For telling me why I should.
For giving me hugs that make me feel that you are there.
For teaching me so much stuffs.
For being a role model for me to follow.
The list just goes on and on.
But, all in all I want to tell you that I will try to let go.
I will try to put in my best for the competition and not let the situation affect me. ((:
THANKS ! :D
6:31 PM
I have nothing much to update about, just a lot of thoughts. And its really a lot. After all these months and weeks that I have been through. Somehow, I have really seen through the masks of many people. I do have a mask too, I guess. (You’ve finally seen it? But that is to show you only.) Yes, there is a mean side of me, but if you treat me well. I will treat you double. If you treat me badly (like a dog), I will treat you twice as bad too ! Simple ? LOLS !
You, yea you! I have finally seen through you, I guess. Even though I keep telling myself not to be sad, not to feel anything. But this feeling is real weird.After all, we’ve been close friends, I guess, since 2years back. We worked hard for a common goal. We go out for lunches almost every Sunday. We hang out together after school when we have nothing on.
But since then, everything has changed. Totally. You talk with needles in your words. You’ve hurt me not once, not twice but thrice. I once thought that everything would be okay. But, it never is. Once you’ve been hurt, it can’t be unhurt anymore. Yes, I have lost a friend. Really. I don’t think friend would be a word to describe our relationship now. Know why? Because I feel disgusted whilst talking to you. I feel disgusted whenever I think about you.
But, anyway. Thanks for the memories that you have left for me. I will remember them. Even though I feel that its not worth, there is still a tinge of pain inside me. But, it will go away soon. I hope. ((:
Till then. ((:
10:01 PM
Summary of what I have done this week…
This week is like full of going outs, especially to ECP.
Monday 231109
Cut grass on that day. I think that its quite nice, quite cool I think.
Then, went ECP for a picnic session with a weird combination of people. Not really very weird, but kind of unexpected. Sok Shan, Clarence, Sidney, Gerald, Nellie and Nellie Sis. Weird right? But I think we had fun, at least I did even though I lost my face whilst playing stress with Nellie’s sister. She is really good! Koi after picnic (YVH I know you won’t be reading this, but I think you are jealous! MUAHAHAAH!)
Tuesday 241109
Woke up at 0930, and prepared my stuffs. Then went Bedok Inter to collect the flowers. I was totally shocked! That lady told me that its green white, but it looks totally green to me! Colourblind also not that bad right? Know what it looks like? It looks like asparagus. Then, happily I thought that I am going to the resort already. So, I followed Jeannette’s instruction and alighted at Neptune court. Then, I called then and they said that they were still at NTUC. WTH ?! So, being so free, I walked all the way from Neptune court to Parkway NTUC. I forgot how many bus stops it was, but it was quite long.
Yes, so with the school bag, and the flower, I slowly strolled there. Then, they were already going to pay. Murni and Valerie sneaked out to IDK where. They claimed that they went to buy plates, when we were already at NTUC. Being so trusting, I just believed it. == Went Jeannette’s house to slack till around 2, and then checked in at the resort. Small, but very cozy. Had lunch and off we went cycling! Cycled from 4 to 6 if I was not wrong, and went back to set up the fire for BBQ !
I was supposed to pick Ghangaa up from the bus stop because she said that she did not know how to go, but YaoMing called and asked for directions, and said that they would be coming together. So, I did not had to go! Its a long walk okay! Then, after awhile, Ghangaa appeared, without YaoMing. So, in the end they did not come together.
So, being a bit cheeky (but failed), I tried to hide the flower behind me, but she saw. She said that she liked it, but I think that its ugly. Aw, its okay I guess. :D She gave me something too! I was really shock, really. Thanks a lot!
Then, at night had the BBQ, was busy fanning the thing, and playing. HEHEHE ! Then, finally THEY (cause I forgot who), appeared with a piece of cake, a care bear and a rose, each for me and Ghangaa. Thanks, really really. :D Then, ate and those whom were not staying left at around 9+.
Those stayed, Me, Valerie, Shi Hsiang, Dennis, Foong Kit, Han Rui , Han Ming and Jeannette(went home very late) played true or dare, and asked a lot of stupid questions, and helped to finish the food. After that, we went for night cycling which was very fun! We even wanted to cycle to the Flyer, because we could see it , and it LOOKED near. But we didn’t, cause we did not want to be on the papers the next day.
Then, went back around midnight. Jeannette went home, and we cycled to the jetty and slacked there. Finished all the snacks and drinks. After enjoying the breeze, it was cold okay. Then went back and all had our bathes. After which, we (Me, Valerie, Shi Hsiang, Foong Kit and Han Ming) went Macs to get something to eat, and went to the beach to slack around. We talked alot too ! (Me and Valerie) Know why Han Rui and Dennis weren’t there? They were inside the chalet sleeping, even though I think only Han Rui slept. Went back to sleep at around 6, and woke up at around 9. Tired, but its still fun ! Played around, and checked out. :D
Wednesday 251109
Right after we checked out, I was walking to the bus stop, Lijing called. Guess what she wanted. Swensens Ice Cream buffet! Yayness! (Even though I did not eat a lot) So, went home to change and met Nellie at Bedok station, and then trained to Eunos station to wait for Lijing. Went Orchard Ion for the buffet. I felt damn shag then. So, was just slacking around. Had the “Ice Cream Competition” . Mine was the simplest, but I think that mines the nicest okay! :D Unique.
After that, trained to Vivo to walk around. Okay, my mind then was totally blank, so I just followed where they went. :X Then went home.
Overall, this week have been fun. :D
Till then .
4:12 PM
Before this,
I naively believe that when we are talking, everything will be alright.
I felt that the hurt that you have caused will be erased after time.
But now,
I strongly belief that it won’t.
You’ve hurt me once, you can hurt me again once more.
You may not have learnt.
Maybe you don’t feel as much as me.
Maybe you are very blunt.
But it doesn’t mean that I have to be hurt right?
Many people can say mean things.
But not all are hurtful.
Sometimes, you can just mend them by cracking a joke.
Its simple. Have it crossed your mind?
I am lost, really.
I don’t know if I am right or wrong.
I don’t know how do I feel right now, because it changes every moment.
I don’t know to be angry or happy.
In short, I don’t know how to react .
I have been thinking about this for some time.
But, I just can’t find the solution.
Can anyone help me ?
Nah, I guess its only me that can help myself.
Till then.
11:49 PM
Sec3 Camp
Another post about camp. Shag. 4D3N. I think a bit close to OBS, considering the fact that OBS is 5D4N right? LOLS ! But I don’t quite enjoy the camp. I like the place, I like the instructors (even though I don’t get to see the one that I want to see, right SSA08? ) , I like some of the activities and I like my group. But I don’t like how its planned. Some people just want to spoil the day.
Okay! So, I shall just elaborate on some of the activities. Kayaking. Paired with YanRen, luckily its someone that I know. *phew* Seasick on the journey back. I swear I felt like fainting. High Elements was rather okay. I conquered my failure at STC. ((: Rather slow, but good eh? Paired up with HanRui for one of the activities. That one rocked! I mean, we trusted each other, relied on each other. Then we succeed! NP ROCKS! :D But one thing was, I knocked my head the the steps whilst climbing up. I was wearing a helmet, if not I wouldn’t be here right now. :X
Improvised rafting was okay too! Did the same activity last year there, but forgot how we built the raft last year. After the feedback from lijing, I feel that I seriously need to improve on my MOI, because no one understood what I said. Sad eh? But, I will definitely improve, for NP’s sake! ((: Oh!! Back to the raft. It did not break apart after launching. Not bad, because we all (or most of us) thought that it would sink. The one SSA08 built last year broke apart if I was not wrong. HAHA ! :D
Okay ! Overall for this camp is 7/10. The toilets are far too dirty. I almost puked whilst coming out of the toilet after washing up on the last day, like REALLY ! There was tissue everywhere around the sink. Sucks man! And, there is no camp shirt this year. Like, what for go for the camp? I think many people go for the camp, for the shirt. At least part of me thinks this way.
Then break camped! :D
I miss Sam, I miss Myra.
Wayne and Kristine are good too !
But, I just miss them. :(
10:25 AM