Orange

2010-02-24T22:34:00.001+08:00

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Broken

2010-02-21T00:56:00.001+08:00

Broken

Yes, I have been broken many times. Too many to be counted in fact. But, this time. I really felt shattered, useless. But, is there anything that I can do to mend it? I don't think there is. I think I can only blame myself for being so broken this time. For not having the urgency to get the particulars. For causing all these trouble. For breaking everyone down. I just feel that I suck. I don’t see any qualities in me. All I know is to say, say and say, but not do, do and do.

Also, I have misjudged once more. Yes, I may have judged one correctly, but I’ve judged the other one wrongly. I feel hurt to hurt. I know even a million apologies won’t help. I have a heart, not made of stone. I have feelings, that maybe no one know. I may look fierce, without feelings but I do have. I do expect much, but I do care about how others feel. I do care. I had tried to ask around, to seek possibilities. But it can’t be mended. It really can’t.

I feel crashed down. I feel like crying. I need a support.

I have so much to say, but I don’t know how to put them in words. There is so much running through my mind. I want to tell it to someone, but no one is free. Who really understands how I feel? Who really cares about it? I guess, not a single soul. How I wish I can just sleep and not wake.

Disabilities

2010-02-15T20:07:00.002+08:00

Disabilities.

Everyone have their own disabilities.
Stuffs that they want to do, but they can’t.
Not cause they are lazy, but its not given to them.

But, what makes them different?
Its just something of the minority.
Why can’t people treat it as special?
But instead, people often look down on them.
Or laugh at them.

Its sad true, that many don’t see the hurt.
Maybe people don’t know it hurts.
Maybe people don’t know about the disability.
That, no one can blame.

What about those that knows about it?
What about those close to whom is different?
Why are they still laughing?
Why don’t they understand?

It has really set me thinking.
It really hurts.
I am born this way, I can’t control it.
People don’t hurt me directly.
But indirectly, I feel sad.
Why am I so different?

I don’t blame those for not seeing it.
Maybe they just need time to find out just like those that knows.

But I just want to say it for those whom knows others disabilities.
Don’t dig out their disabilities.
Cause they don’t want to have it.
It hurts when you guys dig them out, understand?

-Juliana

The feeling inside…

2010-02-06T20:37:00.001+08:00

The feeling inside…

I know, a few days have passed. But, I still can’t believe it. I don’t understand how I felt then. What make me want to do it. I knew perfectly that I miss it, a lot. More than anything else. But, because of responsibility, I couldn’t let down. I couldn’t just leave like that. I did not. But, what happened? I did not get what I want back in return. I know I did not put in my best. I know I did not do very well. But, I did try and want to do it. I don’t see that from them. I don’t know why, but they don’t seem to feel the way that I do. Am I wrong? Am I putting in too much effort? Or are they really that tired? I don’t know.

But, It made me learn. Made me understand truly that if there is only one person trying to work very hard whilst the rest doesn’t want it. It doesn’t work that way. Nothing will come out of it. Maybe it is very important to me, but if it doesn’t mean anything to them. Nothing will be achieved.

I thought through. Its not as though I did not say some of what she said before, in fact I repeated it quite a few times. Its not as though I’ve not explained myself clearly that I need their help. Its not as though they aren't trying to put in more effort. But, maybe it isn’t enough. Disappointed. Yes, I was very. I could guarantee myself at that moment. I could no longer find back the same old feeling 2years back. Its totally different. Yes, we did slack then, but everyone of us then put in our best.

I thought that things would be different when she is there. I thought that somehow when she is there, everyone would put in our best. Cause that was what happened to us in the past. But, it didn’t happen. I thought it did, but it didn’t. She put in her best trying to motivate us. But, we did not return back the same amount. I really don’t know why the rest seems as though nothing had happened. Was I too emotional? Maybe. Cause, its my weak point. My weakest point of all. But I don’t blame them totally.

Today, I’ve also realized. Almost 4years have passed. The long 4years that I’ve been waiting for. Its going to arrive real soon. I would say that I am quite happy about it, but also quite sad. Mixed feelings. Its nostalgic. How much I’ve changed through it. How have I learnt to think about things in another way. How much discipline I’ve gained since then. I was bad, am bad. But, its a different way. I am bad at times now, but I feel that I’ve tried my best to discipline myself. Also, I won’t forget those times where I rebelled, never. Its a hard way through here. But its all worthwhile. Disappointed at myself at times, but I guess its just part and parcels of life. ((:

-Juliana

Putting on a mask.

2010-01-14T15:05:00.002+08:00

Putting On a Mask

Yes. Maybe I have once put on a mask. But the mask broke open, and my feelings overflowed. I’d lost my face in front of others too many a time. I have cried in front of others too many a time. I feel like I am a loser. Someone whom can’t control my emotions. Lousy.

This time, I am determined. Determined to put on that mask once more, and never let it break apart. This shall be the last post about my sad life. About the life that hurts. There would never be any posts left. This little space here will remain, but there won't be any news of that loser. Never anymore. ((:

The loser that you’ve once known have gone into hiding.
Bye. ((:

Amongst the dark, there will be some light.

2010-01-12T17:18:00.002+08:00

Amongst the dark, there will be some light.

It seems easy to say, but hard to fulfill. It is so easy, so easy, just for you to say encouraging words to others so that they can pull through their tough times. But how many times you can say it to yourself? I guess one in a thousand times? A million? Perhaps not even once.

What is life about? Can anyone tell me? Cause I don’t know the answer. I really don’t. At times, some people seems to have so much fun. But have anyone seen the mask behind their faces? Or maybe some people appears to be gloomy, but in their heart they are smiling? I don’t know, and I have no rights to say anything about this.

But, amongst all those sad things, those dark and gloomy days. Those lonely nights. Those fearful obstacles that you have to overcome. There would often be some light. Some form of hope for anyone. Maybe when you are really down and out, there would be a hand out there, reaching out for you. Trying to pull you up, helping you. I don’t know.

In life, there would often be many obstacles placed out for you. There would definitely be some things for you to be afraid of. Including me. Someone told me today that I look as if I am not afraid of anything. I smiled back and replied politely, “Oh Really?” But, in my heart. I was thinking. Thinking. Is it cause of the mask that I put on that tells others that I am strong? That I am not afraid of anything? I don’t know, but I guess it is. For, I always appeared strong, I guess. Not many had seen my tears. Yes, tears do drop from my eyes often. But, I will try not to.

I don’t know if its a compliment or not. But, I guess those “hard work” that I had put in, to put on that heavy mask, had paid off? I don’t know. But yes. I do feel sad and emotional. Yes. I have feelings too. But, if you don’t care about my feelings. I don’t see why I should care about your feelings. Get it? I don’t know why I am saying this, but. It just comes out. ((:

So now, to everyone out there, facing any obstacles. Remember this.
Even when everything falls, there would be some form of light. Wait for it to shine at you, and guide you through your way out. ((:

Sometimes, all I need is just a hug.

2010-01-08T21:18:00.000+08:00

I love Living Life. I am Happy

My geography teacher showed me this video yesterday, and I felt real true. I’m spreading it around, to those feeling down. To those whom fell down, and don’t have the strength to carry on. Just like me. CCA have always been taxing on me, having to do so much. But, I never give up. Why? Cause there is a strength there. I won’t give up, even though it came to me many times. I often say that I won’t go for training, since Sec1. But, I would always go. I don’t know why. Even though there is so much for me to think about. There is so much that I need to know. But, the passion just gets stronger. Maybe cause I’ve met someone that changed my thinking with her words. Frankly, I did not like her in the past, cause I did not understand. But no longer. ((:

Carry this strength around with you. You can, everyone can. I’m very sure about it. Absolutely sure. ((:

“Never give up. Know why? Cause even if you give up, you will not get anywhere. So, why not just keep trying till you've got it? You can try 100 times, and fail 100times. But, if you give up, you will still get no where too. ((: People ! Life isn't always smooth sailing. But, don't fret. Continue to walk the way through. Because you can. ((:”

BOTAK !

2010-01-01T23:38:00.001+08:00

BOTAK ! xD

Yes, Botak ! I’ve always wanted to cut botak, cause I feel that its cool. But this time, the urge is like so strong. How I wish I am going to cut tomorrow, but its impossible. Told mum about it, and about Hair For Hope. Wanted to wait for it, but felt that there is still a long way to go. Anyway, she told me to wait for it. So, I guess I am going to wait for Hair For Hope 2010. Hope that my urge will not disappear by then. x)

Anyway, Hair For Hope is a event where people shave their hair (BOTAK), to raise money. Its for those cancer patients. ((: I think that it will be very meaningful. x) So, I shall wait for Hair For Hope 2010, and join it this year ! I shall, I will ! xD

Till then. A very short post today, but at least it isn’t EMO !
PS: Going to keep a longer hair for now. x)

2009

2009-12-31T12:47:00.001+08:00

2009

This year have its ups and downs. I’ve got closer to friends whom I once knew but not that close. I’ve made new friends. Not only that, I’ve lost some too. Sad, but true.

3E2 have been a class filled with fun people. Never regretted coming into this class, even though majority of 2/1’07 went to 3E1. I won’t forget the times where we bingo through the lessons, ate bread in class and disturb the teachers. Also, I won’t forget those times where we laughed till I almost cried. And, lastly those jokes that we laughed even before someone finished saying. (Mr Teo : Are you guys having a musical at the back? Jiang Jiang Jiang Jiang)

NPCC had been rather okay I guess. Failed Marksmen which was sad but its okay now, failed SGT test once but managed to pass in the end. Did not get Recreational Head post, but was posted to Sec2’09 2IC which made me learnt a lot of things, rather good. Quite sad to hear that stuffs may change next year too, because they are like mine. They grew as a cadet whilst I grew as a cadet leader. But, some stuffs can’t be changed by me, so its okay. ((: Also, its cause NP that made me thought through and see through. I’ve got to know more about a few people too. Got close to them, and now they are all near me. I hope, and think, that they will be close to my heart and not leave. If it isn’t for them, trainings will not be so fun. Its also cause of NP that made me learn that even though at times I have to do things that I don’t enjoy, or its a chore, I’ll still have to do it. I used to dislike doing those things, but now I have learnt to accept it. I once thought of turning my back against NP because of some people, but not anymore. For now I have a goal, and I will work hard for it. I will. ((:

Frisbee. I stopped playing for sometime after Pri6, played only once in a few months. Started playing it again this June at pickups, and found myself a youth team. Phantom Disc. Pickups allowed me to meet people and make a lot of new friends, that are fun. ((: Phantom Disc is a team that allowed me to improve my skills. Sad to say, will not be able to commit to it for sometime. Maybe only after my O levels. I am not sure. :( But all in all, even though Frisbee has its ups and downs, its still very fun. ((:

To that someone, I wanted to speak up to you that day. But, nothing comes out. I don’t want to forget you as my friend, but I don’t know how to initiate a conversation. I want to talk to you, but my heart tells me not to. I don’t know how I feel, and how you feel. I really don’t, but I guess I will figure it out somehow, I don’t know.

Now, here are some goals for 2010.

Study real hard and get L1R4 of 8 or 10, to get into the course I want. (Psychology)
Work hard in NPCC camp craft competition and get within top 50 position. (Improvement from the other time)
Buck up more in NPCC, to get into CIBTC D10
Learn Sign Language
Do some voluntary work
Play more Frisbee
Run more often

2009-12-27T13:44:00.002+08:00

I’ll Stand By You – Carrie Underwood

Its a nice song. Was touched when I heard this song for the first time. Its meaningful. It made me think once more. Again. What are friends for? Will they stand by you when you are down and out? Or will they leave you behind? Or better, will they say words that makes you feel more hurt? I don’t know.

For the past few months, I’ve seen through a lot. I don’t know who can I trust, I don’t know who will laugh at me when I fall. I don’t know who will stand by me. All I know is, I’ve lost some friends. But at the same time, I have gained many. ((:

Thanks to those whom stood by me these few months, listening to my constant ranting. ((:

Till then . ((:
If you leave me behind, I won’t do anything.
If you stand by me, I will stand by you too.

Changed and Still Changing. Growing

2009-12-23T23:26:00.001+08:00

Changed and Still Changing. Growing

I was talking to a senior. A senior that I once disliked, and had a grudge with. But now, we are good friends. We often talk. I told her that my next aim is to become a Cadet Inspector. She told me this “Its good to have a passion. ((:” And, I told her somehow its not my passion. Somehow, its the things that happened that touched me.

Its because of this, that I have met nice and caring seniors that would be there to help me, to guide me. Nice and caring seniors that would always be there whenever I need them. Even though these relationships started out to be bad, with grudges, but it always ends up smooth. At least for now. I told her, that I am being touched by how passionate the person that I’ve seen. How they could forsake their hair and make a sacrifice.

Also, I told her that it enjoy seeing my cadets changing and growing up just like I do. My cadets resembles me, because I used to rebel my Cadet Leaders too. I enjoy imparting my skills to them, teaching what is right to them, teaching them some skills that will allow them to bring back after the end of their 4/5 years.

Also, this had made me learn many things. It made me see through some people. It made me recognize some friends that are hard to find. Some friends that appear to be joking to you, but deep down, they really do care. Also, I won’t forget those that made me not leave NP when I wanted to, many times. Yes, I wanted to turn my back against it and walk away, because I dislike the things that I have to do. I can say proudly, I am still here, because of my cadets. Its the amount that they have changed that spurs me on. Even though they do disappoints me at times, I am proud to see them changing, to see them learning.

Upon saying this. She told me. “You have grown up.” I proceeded on to continue, that I am still changing and learning from each training. Trying to be someone better as compared to the past. Then, she said something that made me touched. Real touched. “This is so like a matured girl.”

Since the day she’d passed out as a cadet leader. I have always been sharing with her my journey here, ranting to her and telling her what I am going through or have been through. But never once have she said that I have matured. The most is that she had said that I had grown. I was happy to receive that comment. But, I still think that I have not matured, because I still have a whole lot to learn. I still need to change, to control my temper. To let fate control things. To do things that people ask me to, to not procrastinate. There are so many weak points in me that I had named it out to her. Also, I told her that I still reacts the same way as I did in the past. But now, after reacting, I do think about my mistakes, reflecting them and trying to make amendments and change. Then, she told me this. “Yes. In the past, you wouldn’t think so far. ((: That is the part that you’ve changed.” And, that was the end of our sharing today.

You may ask, why am I posting it out now? I am posting it out now, because I want to show that I really mean what I’ve been saying for the past few days. I will still continue to change and grow. To become matured, and to understand things more. I will try to let things be done by fate. Not forgetting, I won’t let my feelings take over me. I will do what I am supposed to do.

All in all, this have shaped me and changed me to another person. I would too, like to change others just like others changed me. I would like to do something good in return, in another year to come. Wait for me. When I say I will, I will.

I may not forget what had happened, I may still hold the grudge against that person. But, its hard to change. Because, that person had hurt me badly. Nothing can change the fact. What can be changed now, is my attitude towards things. How am I going to face with challenges in the future. As for that person, I am still trying to throw her to the back of my memory. ((:

Till then. ((:

Weak

2009-12-22T18:31:00.001+08:00

Weak.

Yes, weak. This is what I think about myself. Weak. Yes, physically I may appear to be strong. But, I think that mentally, I am weak. Darn weak. Something that seems so small to others can get me down fast. Tears always just drop down when I feel sad. It sounds normal. But, I am sad for something that is not worth it.

I don’t know why, but somehow. I have built a wall to protect myself against you. But, you don’t seem to feel anything at all. You treated me like normal, just that that we are not the same anymore. Somehow I don’t know what is going on right now.

I try to not let serious things get into our way because of it. But sometimes it feels real hard. At times, I don’t even want to see your face. Thus I tend to avoid you. Its only till now, that I’ve realized that we used to be so close so close. So close, that others say that too. I don’t know why its like this now.

Alright. Bad things aside.
Till then. ((:

I want to Thank someone,
For being there for me.
For crying because I cried.
For patting my back, giving me a hand to hold on to when I felt bad.
For telling me why I should.
For giving me hugs that make me feel that you are there.
For teaching me so much stuffs.
For being a role model for me to follow.

The list just goes on and on.
But, all in all I want to tell you that I will try to let go.
I will try to put in my best for the competition and not let the situation affect me. ((:

THANKS ! :D

Hmm.

2009-12-10T22:01:00.001+08:00

I have nothing much to update about, just a lot of thoughts. And its really a lot. After all these months and weeks that I have been through. Somehow, I have really seen through the masks of many people. I do have a mask too, I guess. (You’ve finally seen it? But that is to show you only.) Yes, there is a mean side of me, but if you treat me well. I will treat you double. If you treat me badly (like a dog), I will treat you twice as bad too ! Simple ? LOLS !

You, yea you! I have finally seen through you, I guess. Even though I keep telling myself not to be sad, not to feel anything. But this feeling is real weird.After all, we’ve been close friends, I guess, since 2years back. We worked hard for a common goal. We go out for lunches almost every Sunday. We hang out together after school when we have nothing on.

But since then, everything has changed. Totally. You talk with needles in your words. You’ve hurt me not once, not twice but thrice. I once thought that everything would be okay. But, it never is. Once you’ve been hurt, it can’t be unhurt anymore. Yes, I have lost a friend. Really. I don’t think friend would be a word to describe our relationship now. Know why? Because I feel disgusted whilst talking to you. I feel disgusted whenever I think about you.

But, anyway. Thanks for the memories that you have left for me. I will remember them. Even though I feel that its not worth, there is still a tinge of pain inside me. But, it will go away soon. I hope. ((:

Till then. ((:

Summary of what I have done this week.

2009-11-27T16:12:00.001+08:00

Summary of what I have done this week…

This week is like full of going outs, especially to ECP.

Monday 231109

Cut grass on that day. I think that its quite nice, quite cool I think.

Then, went ECP for a picnic session with a weird combination of people. Not really very weird, but kind of unexpected. Sok Shan, Clarence, Sidney, Gerald, Nellie and Nellie Sis. Weird right? But I think we had fun, at least I did even though I lost my face whilst playing stress with Nellie’s sister. She is really good! Koi after picnic (YVH I know you won’t be reading this, but I think you are jealous! MUAHAHAAH!)

Tuesday 241109

Woke up at 0930, and prepared my stuffs. Then went Bedok Inter to collect the flowers. I was totally shocked! That lady told me that its green white, but it looks totally green to me! Colourblind also not that bad right? Know what it looks like? It looks like asparagus. Then, happily I thought that I am going to the resort already. So, I followed Jeannette’s instruction and alighted at Neptune court. Then, I called then and they said that they were still at NTUC. WTH ?! So, being so free, I walked all the way from Neptune court to Parkway NTUC. I forgot how many bus stops it was, but it was quite long.

Yes, so with the school bag, and the flower, I slowly strolled there. Then, they were already going to pay. Murni and Valerie sneaked out to IDK where. They claimed that they went to buy plates, when we were already at NTUC. Being so trusting, I just believed it. == Went Jeannette’s house to slack till around 2, and then checked in at the resort. Small, but very cozy. Had lunch and off we went cycling! Cycled from 4 to 6 if I was not wrong, and went back to set up the fire for BBQ !

I was supposed to pick Ghangaa up from the bus stop because she said that she did not know how to go, but YaoMing called and asked for directions, and said that they would be coming together. So, I did not had to go! Its a long walk okay! Then, after awhile, Ghangaa appeared, without YaoMing. So, in the end they did not come together.

So, being a bit cheeky (but failed), I tried to hide the flower behind me, but she saw. She said that she liked it, but I think that its ugly. Aw, its okay I guess. :D She gave me something too! I was really shock, really. Thanks a lot!

Then, at night had the BBQ, was busy fanning the thing, and playing. HEHEHE ! Then, finally THEY (cause I forgot who), appeared with a piece of cake, a care bear and a rose, each for me and Ghangaa. Thanks, really really. :D Then, ate and those whom were not staying left at around 9+.

Those stayed, Me, Valerie, Shi Hsiang, Dennis, Foong Kit, Han Rui , Han Ming and Jeannette(went home very late) played true or dare, and asked a lot of stupid questions, and helped to finish the food. After that, we went for night cycling which was very fun! We even wanted to cycle to the Flyer, because we could see it , and it LOOKED near. But we didn’t, cause we did not want to be on the papers the next day.

Then, went back around midnight. Jeannette went home, and we cycled to the jetty and slacked there. Finished all the snacks and drinks. After enjoying the breeze, it was cold okay. Then went back and all had our bathes. After which, we (Me, Valerie, Shi Hsiang, Foong Kit and Han Ming) went Macs to get something to eat, and went to the beach to slack around. We talked alot too ! (Me and Valerie) Know why Han Rui and Dennis weren’t there? They were inside the chalet sleeping, even though I think only Han Rui slept. Went back to sleep at around 6, and woke up at around 9. Tired, but its still fun ! Played around, and checked out. :D

Wednesday 251109

Right after we checked out, I was walking to the bus stop, Lijing called. Guess what she wanted. Swensens Ice Cream buffet! Yayness! (Even though I did not eat a lot) So, went home to change and met Nellie at Bedok station, and then trained to Eunos station to wait for Lijing. Went Orchard Ion for the buffet. I felt damn shag then. So, was just slacking around. Had the “Ice Cream Competition” . Mine was the simplest, but I think that mines the nicest okay! :D Unique.

After that, trained to Vivo to walk around. Okay, my mind then was totally blank, so I just followed where they went. :X Then went home.

Overall, this week have been fun. :D

Till then .

Before this

2009-11-25T23:49:00.001+08:00

Before this,

I naively believe that when we are talking, everything will be alright.
I felt that the hurt that you have caused will be erased after time.

But now,

I strongly belief that it won’t.
You’ve hurt me once, you can hurt me again once more.
You may not have learnt.

Maybe you don’t feel as much as me.
Maybe you are very blunt.
But it doesn’t mean that I have to be hurt right?

Many people can say mean things.
But not all are hurtful.
Sometimes, you can just mend them by cracking a joke.
Its simple. Have it crossed your mind?

I am lost, really.
I don’t know if I am right or wrong.
I don’t know how do I feel right now, because it changes every moment.
I don’t know to be angry or happy.

In short, I don’t know how to react .

I have been thinking about this for some time.
But, I just can’t find the solution.

Can anyone help me ?

Nah, I guess its only me that can help myself.

Till then.

Sec3 Camp

2009-11-23T10:25:00.001+08:00

Sec3 Camp

Another post about camp. Shag. 4D3N. I think a bit close to OBS, considering the fact that OBS is 5D4N right? LOLS ! But I don’t quite enjoy the camp. I like the place, I like the instructors (even though I don’t get to see the one that I want to see, right SSA08? ) , I like some of the activities and I like my group. But I don’t like how its planned. Some people just want to spoil the day.

Okay! So, I shall just elaborate on some of the activities. Kayaking. Paired with YanRen, luckily its someone that I know. *phew* Seasick on the journey back. I swear I felt like fainting. High Elements was rather okay. I conquered my failure at STC. ((: Rather slow, but good eh? Paired up with HanRui for one of the activities. That one rocked! I mean, we trusted each other, relied on each other. Then we succeed! NP ROCKS! :D But one thing was, I knocked my head the the steps whilst climbing up. I was wearing a helmet, if not I wouldn’t be here right now. :X

Improvised rafting was okay too! Did the same activity last year there, but forgot how we built the raft last year. After the feedback from lijing, I feel that I seriously need to improve on my MOI, because no one understood what I said. Sad eh? But, I will definitely improve, for NP’s sake! ((: Oh!! Back to the raft. It did not break apart after launching. Not bad, because we all (or most of us) thought that it would sink. The one SSA08 built last year broke apart if I was not wrong. HAHA ! :D

Okay ! Overall for this camp is 7/10. The toilets are far too dirty. I almost puked whilst coming out of the toilet after washing up on the last day, like REALLY ! There was tissue everywhere around the sink. Sucks man! And, there is no camp shirt this year. Like, what for go for the camp? I think many people go for the camp, for the shirt. At least part of me thinks this way.

Then break camped! :D

I miss Sam, I miss Myra.
Wayne and Kristine are good too !
But, I just miss them. :(

STC 09

2009-11-15T19:53:00.001+08:00

STC 09

Yes, it may be only fun for certain activities. But, somehow I enjoyed it. I have learnt a lot from this camp, and somehow understand a bit about some stuffs too, I guess. I shall not elaborate on the activities. More on reflection, I guess. ((:

Met a SIR this year, whom at first I thought it would be rather not fun, with his slack face, and blur attitude. He is BingJie SIR. This STC is his first STC as a CI. So, I guess he had done a good job. Really. I have never seen a CI that treats cadets, somehow just like his own squad mate. Even though he is often seen at other places, I think. But I guess its because of his attitude. He is always seen doing something. Really. I had a lot of fun in this camp, and learnt a lot, I guess a lot of it owes to him. Thanks. ((:

Next up ! My own reflections. I want to tell this to my cadets, but I guess I will just do it when school reopens. I really hope that they will change. It may sound stupid, but its true. Every time when I shout at them, when I scold them. It hurts deep inside. Deep inside, I always think about how to motivate them. How to change their mindset. But I always fail to make them motivated. I guess, I will seek help soon. Really soon.

I shall type it all down here, in case I go crazy thinking everyday. :( It all started on the first night of STC, where I somehow found a meaning for me to be there. We had 3 debriefs for that night. Group debrief, mass debrief and school debrief. Group debrief and school debrief wasn’t that well done. It made me thought for sometime. I looked at BingJie SIR and Ghangaa MDM during these two debriefs, group and school respectively. Guess what their faces reminded me of? Their faces reminded me of myself. Yes, MYSELF ! Their disappointed faces. Just like me, in the unit.

I have always been rather disappointed with my cadets, but still I belief that one day they will make me proud. And, seeing their disappointed remind me of myself. Then I realized, I have no rights to be scolding them, because I make my CIs disappointed too. But, this makes me strive even more, to set a good example for them. So, yes. Day2 was better, me with a neater hair. And of course, a more enthusiastic face.

But, on our way out after break camp today. I was walking at the back, with Jeannette. We were trying to lead them to sing a song. Just to repeat after us and sing. They did not even give a damn about us. What is that? They are tired, but I am too. Is it that they don’t understand? They slept in a cramped place, I slept in a cramp place too! They had a camp, and I had too! But, they just did not bother about us. Maybe one or two did. It did not change even when its those CLs in front leading. I was shagged. I really was.

Anyway, its over now. I just hope for the best when school reopens. I just hope that I will be able to motivate them. I know I can. ((: Sorry for boring you guys out in this post. Although I think no one is reading.

Till then

It hurts

2009-11-08T11:16:00.001+08:00

It hurts

It hurts so bad, getting from bad to worse. Really. I am out of breathe. I am. I want to be a kid once more. I want to turn back time to 2years back. I don’t want all these. Cause it suck.

I am worried, like almost everyday. I get more and more sensitive. I hate it. All I want is a home. A HOME ! A home where I will feel save in it. A home with warmth. They don’t have to be rich. But I want happiness from it. I want a home. But, it seemed as though I have lost it. I miss it now.

Everyday and night, even if I am out. I think about them. I am afraid that they may quarrel. I want to let go. I don’t want to care. But I can’t. I really can’t.

God. Can you please save me? Can you please grant me this wish? I want a home, badly. I am trying hard to be good. I have changed a big lot, but still am not perfect. Will you please, grant me this wish? Please .

Updates !

2009-11-01T09:10:00.001+08:00

Updates !

After all the emo posts, I guess its time for some updates yea? Eventhough I don’t think anyone is reading, because there is no one tagging. *cries*

Okay, this week is rather fun packed yea ? ;D I don’t think I can and there is no need for me to whine about results. I guess, there is nothing much more I can ask for. ((: Oh! And I obtained distinction in the NSW Math competition. Not bragging, but I am proud of myself ! HEHE ! Lastly, I passed my SGT test. Was rather tensed before that. After the parade, felt so light, so happy. ((:

Friday, also celebrated AHZAI’s birthday ! Don’t be an AHZAI already can ?! HAHAS! And lijing kept saying that she did the most thing, which is rather true. :X

Yesterday, celebrated lijing’s birthday. They baked cake for her. Why is it they? Cause I dint bake. :X I had something on, thats why! :X Shall elaborate more later. (getting excited to talk about it) Okay. But, I did play a part in the watch, and of course the note. It was supposed to be a surprise, but she dint look as though she was surprised.

Okay. So, what did I do yesterday morning? Its of course spending time, on the field ! :D I guess its going to be a routine soon. Training! :D And of course getting to know more people, coming every week. Its rather fun you know, for me at least. :D

And, this 3 days (yesterday, today, tomorrow), will be spent on the field I guess. With yesterday’s training and pickup today and tomorrow. Never been there before, but I guess it will be a good experience. Lets just hope that it wont rain okay? ((:

I think that its getting a bit lengthy. So, ending here.

Till then

Dear Friend

It isn’t the same anymore, even though I have made it.
Even though we do talk, the feeling isn’t the same.
We ain’t that close anymore for sure.
It would feel more awkward to talk to you for sure.
Everything have changed, and I mean it.

No matter how many times I try to talk to you.
It won’t be the same anymore.
But I guess its much better now, as we do talk at least.

I just want to wish you all the best in everything you do.

Bye Friend.

我想有个家 - 潘美辰

2009-10-28T19:43:00.001+08:00

我想有个家 - 潘美辰

我想有个家
一个不需要华丽的地方
在我疲倦的时候
我会想到它

想要有个家
一个不需要多大的地方
在我受惊吓的时候
我才不会害怕

谁不会想要家
可是就有人没有它
脸上流著眼泪
只能自己轻轻擦

我好羡慕他
受伤后可以回家
而我只能孤单的
孤单的寻找我的家

虽然我不曾有温暖的家
但是我一样渐渐的长大

只要心中充满爱
就会被关怀
无法埋怨谁
一切只能靠自己

虽然你有家什么也不缺
为何看不见你露出笑脸

永远都说没有爱
整天不回家
相同的年纪
不同的心灵
让我拥有一个家

我有个家
但这个家，不能让我感到温暖
这个家,好像只能让我感到害怕

我只要一个温暖的家
我要的家,不需要很华丽
我只要个开心的家

可是,能吗?

Thumbs Up!

2009-10-27T16:56:00.001+08:00

Thumbs Up !

Even though I merely scrapped through, and it may not be a pass in the end. But I still feel happy. I don’t know if it will still be the same in future, but lets just care about now.

Its the subject, that I have always been tensed for. Its the subject that I have always been afraid of, I guess almost everyone knows about it. It the subject that made me cried about 6months ago. But, it will not be now. I put in effort. I gave in my best, and the result showed. Yes, it really isn’t fantastic. But, I am happy. ((:

Jumping for joy !
But there is still something, that I am worried of.
Friday is the day.

I want to , but I can’t

2009-10-25T17:58:00.001+08:00

I want to , but I can’t

As much as I want to don’t care, don’t bother, because its their business, their problems. I can’t. They are my parents. I don’t want to see them unhappy, hurt. But what can I do? I pray to god for the better everyday. It gets better. But, I just can’t let go. I can’t stop worrying that something will happen.

Is it me? I guess so. I just feel insecure with everything that is going on. Really. It hurts badly, real bad. Every day and night, it just keeps revolving in my mind. I just keep thinking about it, again and again. It just doesn’t stop. I don’t know when it will, even though I want it to, badly.

I guess, time will just pass slowly like this. Nothing can help, I guess. I think the best thing is to talk to someone, whom I feel comfortable with. But who ?

Till then.

Back ?

2009-10-21T10:28:00.001+08:00

Back ?

I guess, back finally . ((: Saturdays will no longer be spent at LJS or Coffee Bean for the time being, I guess. It will be spent more on the field and on the beach. Can’t wait for this Saturday. ((: I have got my boots too ! Like finally…

I gave myself 1/2 a day off the other day, Saturday. But, it became full day in the end. Can’t help it, that's me ! I enjoyed it though, and did not have any regrets. If I stayed home, I wouldn’t study too. So, why not head for the field? I did not said that I wanted the beach too, it would be nice though. HAHA! That is how crazy I am, I guess. :)

Went Seoul Garden yesterday after my bio paper. I swear I am not going to ask others to get food for me next time. It sure looked gross, a plate of chicken meat. Luckily, I was not being forced to finish by my dangerous friends. They tried to, though. :X

I am going to get my hair cut today! (: Random ? What to do, I have nothing to post about. But my hair is really. Long like grass, for me. :X Set ! Hair cut later ! :D

I guess I will be back, again, with more sensible things to post about. Instead of bits and pieces here and there. :D

Till then.

Heart’s not here

2009-10-02T18:59:00.001+08:00

Heart’s not here

I am sitting right here, right now. But my heart isn’t. I know I have no more time to waste, exams are like in a week’s time. But my heart is on the beach, on the field. Running wild.

I know I don’t really play well, in fact I play like crap. But, I can’t help it. I like and enjoy making new friends, meeting new people. Every time , every chance on the field/beach is a new memory, a new chance for me to make friends and meet people. That’s what keeps me playing on, despite my skills, I guess.

But, really. This sport really shaped me. But due to studies, its stopping me from going to it. I know studies are more important. I know I can still go back to the field and the beach right after my exams. But whenever I see the events coming up, and I can’t get to join. I feel pain in my heart. I don’t know why, though.

I don’t really feel much now. But I feel madly in love, not with someone. But in love with something, that I am not good at. Foolish? But personally, I feel that the amount of fun and the number of people you get to meet, its more than enough. Really.

This spot gave me many memories. Although I have been injured many times whilst playing, but nevertheless, its still as fun. I don’t know why am I typing all these craps down. But, I guess I just need some place to store my thoughts.

I guess, the only thing I can do now, is to stay focus.

I will be back.

I think

2009-09-27T18:17:00.001+08:00

I think …

I think I have learnt how to let go. I think. There are always people around, trying to spur you up with words that hurts a lot. But its okay, I guess. I have learnt how to ignore, even though it isn’t helping. But anyway what for think about it ? I don’t have much time to waste already.

Exams are coming up, in 2weeks time. I guess I will be off till then. But I am not sure. Cause you know, the temptation is hard to overcome. But I guess I will just have to practice more of self discipline. ((:

Sometimes, I feel really stupid. Always being there to see it I can help in anything. But, what does it ends up with? It ends up with me being used by others. Yes, I sound stupid right? It does not pays to be kind. Really. Some people just turns the back at you and stab you in the heart. Even though it may seem that its not on purpose, but what kind of friend will do that ? A good friend ? So funny . But I am not laughing.

People have been saying that I am too kind, that whatever things others call me to do, I will do. Okay, it sounds true. But, sometimes I am just doing it voluntarily. I don’t know why am I doing that. But, I shall just try to not do that anymore. Quite hard aye, cause its within me already.

Okay, i guess I have to go now.
Till then.

Maybe

2009-09-21T19:00:00.001+08:00

Maybe …

Maybe I am in the wrong .
Maybe I had heard it wrong .
Maybe she did not said it on purpose .
Maybe I am just thinking too much .
Maybe I am too petty .

There are just too much maybes hovering around in my head. I don’t feel that much hatred to you. Maybe its just me . But I still feels that, nothing will make things be the same anymore. Or is it that I have not tried ? I don’t know .

It still hurts

2009-09-18T22:49:00.001+08:00

It still hurts. It really do.

I have not forgotten what you said, maybe its just a passing remark. But, I was hurt. Really. Maybe I don’t look like I will be, but I am. Its a fact. I am a human too alright. I can feel. You can’t? Too bad then.

It is not supposed to be insulting, but really. I thought that you are my friend. A close friend. But judging from what you have done to me, how you have treated me, and what you have said, I am confused.

Yes, I may seem to be nice, always clearing up your piece of shit that you always throw it to me. Yes, I do say hurting words at times. But I do apologise and crack a joke after that right? What about you? You just said that like its nothing. Of course, it may mean nothing to you, cause you ain’t going through it. But what about me? I was feeling real bad, and you just sprinkled salt to my wound. My hurt heart. Good friend yea? ((:

Do you know that I have been pondering over it for the past few days? Do you know that I have been thinking? Do you know how hurt it is? I don’t know who is the one whom have changed. You? Me? Both? But I guess it may be me, for it always seems to be me whom is at fault, always. Yea.

I admit, I am jealous. Jealous that you had done well, while me, done so badly. But that is not why I am sore. I am sore cause you have been taking advantage of me, and those words that you had said. Really.

How I wish that things will turn back to the past. How I wish things could be simpler. But, I don’t think it can. For from that day, things had changed. Totally. Even if I am able to do well the second time, it won’t turn back. I swear, it won’t.

Till then.

I am not .

2009-09-16T19:11:00.001+08:00

I am not being emo or what okay.
This is my journal, just that its privatized to let everyone see it.
I am not trying to seek attention ! But yea..

This is a place, where my emotions run wild.
This is where the real me is, or maybe the hidden me instead.

So yea, back to the hidden me alright ?
I am just emo here, not any other place. ((:

I really felt disappointed. I had so much confidence in myself, and yet the paper was so hard. I thought that it would be easy yea. Its me again, complacent. When will I stop being complacent? Everyone is starting to put in a bit of effort. Almost all that I know handed in the homework, but not me. A lot are showing improvements, but what about me? Slacking around, that what I do. I guess I will start soon. Really soon.

I still can’t get over it. A few weeks have passed, I know. But, many have said that she isn’t as good, or maybe its hidden in her? I don’t know. But all in this 3years, I have not lost to her. And I feel that I can do a far better job than her. But why? Complacent once more? I am sore, I swear. I really am. I know I shouldn’t but, I can’t help it. She had hurt me with her words, I hope I heard it wrong, what a friend she is. I have lost to someone whom seems to be lousier than me. Heck.

I guess I should stop talking. Like really. If I could remain silent for a day, maybe things would get through, and I won’t be that tired. Maybe I should starting talking less, I guess. ((: But poor girl me, can’t do it. I am hyper ! ((:

Yea. Despite things not going right, life still have to go on. Everyone is stress. Cheers alright. It will be over, SOON ! ((:

Till then .

Sometimes

2009-09-13T22:02:00.001+08:00

Sometimes …

Sometimes, things are superficial.
What you see, may not be what its true.

Sometimes, what you like may not be what you are good at.
You feel lousy at times, but you are happy with it.

Sometimes, you just need one person.
That one person who will listen to you, and accompany through your darkest nights.

Sometimes, what is wrong may not be that bad.
At least you will be happier with your decision.

Sometimes, regrets are inevitable.
You will learn after the mistakes are made.

Sometimes, you will get hurt.
Its impossible to not fall.

Sometimes, when life is too tough
All you need is a break, from everything.

Sometimes, its doesn’t really matter.
You may be of a higher rank, but you are still lousy.

Sometimes, it only takes a smile.
To brighten up the dark day.

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try.
Things are still hard, and the road is still rough.

Sometimes, no matter how much tears you shed.
The emptiness in your heart will not be filled.

Sometimes, its better to be quiet.
For you can then understand more.

Sometimes, all I need is someone.
That can really understand me.
It will be more than enough . ((:

I guess it isn’t that bad after all.

2009-09-11T20:19:00.001+08:00

I guess it isn’t that bad after all.

It was rather ok today, except that it still comes to me at times. Nevertheless, no ones laughing, or is it that today’s not normal training? I don’t know.

But I feel myself healing. Parts of my heart is trying to stick together, slowly. I think that there shouldn’t me much rush, as the pieces are still weak, and may break anytime, I think.

But anyway, I guess I will be okay soon. Real soon. Even before I pass my test, I guess. ((:

I feel happy, but am not happy.
How irony, but quite true.
You feel happy, but when you look deeper inside, you may not be happy.

But anyway, make full use of time. ((:

Injured, I think.

Worried

2009-09-10T22:39:00.001+08:00

I am worried.

There are many ‘what if'’ in my head. I have seen such a scene before, but I never really know or understand how it feels, until that fateful day, where it happened to me.

I am really worried. If I become like that person, how? She worked so hard, but yet everything was in vain. She passed out with a rank 2 levels lower than majority of her friends. How?

If I am like her. I can’t take it for sure. I can’t. I used to have so much confidence, but now, not anymore. No longer. I used to enjoy it, but not anymore. Maybe I will enjoy it, but the hurt will still be there, until one day where I have succeeded. This may seem nothing to most of you, but its something that hurt me a lot.

Don’t lose hope, you guys will say. But, this similar thing have happened to someone. Someone whom obviously seems lousier than that person could succeed, but she didn’t. I am really afraid that such a thing will happen to me.

But, there is no point fretting over it now, even though I feel miserable. ((:

Someone’s reading it, I guess.
Don’t take it to heart, I don’t know will you.

2009-09-08T17:44:00.002+08:00

Everytime, when I come here, I will have a different feeling.
This time, its something, undescribable.
My feelings are so mixed up. I feel lost.

Shes changed. Shes so sensitive now, maybe only today. All I said was just something, and she flared up. What is it man. Here I am, trying to prevent something bad from happening, and there you are, making something bad happen. Are you nuts?

Its been 20plus years. 20plus. You could tolerate it for 20plus years, but why not now? Everyday, you have to make things get more complicated. But, do you know how hurt I feel? Do you know that whenever you both quarrels, the one that feels the most is me? You both feels oblivious to me. Why do I say that? Simply because if you both feels, you both won't quarrel. Who would be so silly to make themselves hurt?

Everyday, I feel so lost. I feel so hard on the way home. Why? Cause I am scared. I am afraid that when I get home, something bad will happen, I will see something which I don't want to. But what can I do? I will still have to get home, and face the reality. The reality that hurts.

Lets just hope that things will get better. ((:
As each minute passes, I get more tired. My heart hurts so much.
I am lost this time, really.
All I want is for peace to stay, thats all.

2009-09-06T15:31:00.002+08:00

God wanted me to know this today:
You've got to live life, not think about it. Step into the midst of things, try and ...fail and learn and stand up again. The question is not whether you will or will not make mistakes - you will. The question is do you want to learn and grow, or do you want to shrink back and be stuck? Take that step you've been avoiding. You can succeed, or you can get feedback that it didn't work, but in either case you are sure to feel alive.

Its rather true, but how? I have lost all the confidence to take the step out, and accept the reality. The truth always hurts, thats why people lie. Maybe all I need is time.

Actually , I am here today , to rant about other things.
So, yea...

Sometimes , I really look up to those people, whereby they don't have a good family background, and by right they are supposed to be easily influenced. They should be those that will smoke, and are rather bad. But they aren't. They are able to hold back, and resist the temptations eventhough they do not have a good family background.

What about me? I don't have a really good family background, but I have better ones than them, I think. But what did I do in the past? I was unable to resist the temptation, and I became someone really bad. Is it me, or the world? I am always doing the bad things, and I don't realise the mistake until I have really learnt. Is it cause of my character? Or is it called Life ? I don't really know. Someone tell me alright.

Its been months since the last stick. I ain't doing it anymore, at least not till when I get abit older. But, the feeling is still there. Whenever theres a topic about it, I will still think about it. I guess, I am just holding back. I guess, I have not changed. Its just that I practise more self-control, more self-discipline. Thats why I don't walk back to the path. Maybe its the law too. Who knows, 3years down the road. I may walk back to that kind of life again. By then, I may not be the Juliana that you know now. Maybe I will still be the same, like I said, I am just holding back now.

All in all, I ain't sure. This road is full of many uncertainties. Who knows what will happen tomorrow, next month, next year, or a few years down the road. But, I don't even know how I feel now. I always have a mixed feeling. A feeling of lost. A feeling whereby I want to say out but I don't know how to start. I guess, I am still in the midst of changing. I ain't a saint afterall.

Alright, till then . ((:
I guess this will be the place where all my feelings go.

2009-09-04T21:52:00.003+08:00

I guess I had been too complacent . Everything had been rather smooth sailing . But after today , its not.

This is my 3rd year , and everything came to me easily before that. This is the first time, maybe second, that I had a setback here . It practically tore me down into pieces. I was shock. I guess I was over-confident. It hit me down, from one piece into many. My heart shattered like glass.

Almost everyone had smiles on their faces. Only mine was a frown. I told myself a million times that I would do better next time, but it did not work. It didn't. Tears still drop. No one saw, I guess.

I had lost all the confidence. I am being knocked down. Before that , I thought that it would bring me up from everything. I thought that it would put a good full-stop to today training, as it did not had a good start and it practically sucked. In the end, it ended with even worse results.

This time, I am really being knocked down. All my confidence vanished. I had this similiar feeling sometime back. It was about ENGLISH. It was rather expected. But this, its totally unexpected. I feel so lousy. Infact, after today, I think I really am.

All of a sudden, it feels so hard to put on a smile.

2009-09-03T20:50:00.002+08:00

Priorities . Which one first ? I don't think I can differentiate . I have been out this feel weeks . Frisbee , games , outings . Everything , except for my main priority , study . I don't know what am I up to . But , I ain't focused , maybe not enough .

Everything seem to be a distraction to me. At least , almost every . I don't have the motivation to study. Is it that I don't put in enough effort ? Whenever I get home , I get really tired. Everything starts to come to me , and I am steered away from the books.

I want to be focus , but my mind isn't trying to. I know whats my priority , but my mind doesn't seem to be following it. Whats the problem ? As everyday passes , everything seems blurred up. I don't know what am I trying to do , what am I doing.

I feel tired , really tired everytime. I don't want to do anything, all I want to do is to sit and stone. Sounds emo , I guess alot will say, but I ain't. I am just tired. Tired of everything.

Okay, enough of all my rantings. I guess I shall try my best to be focused soon. ((:

And I mean it , real soon.

2009-08-31T21:02:00.003+08:00

Todays filled with alot of emotions.

If I said I wasn't touched , I would be lieing . The smile on her face , felt so sweet , so happy. It was the first time which I saw that . Its also the first time which I felt that by just wishing someone with a smile, from the bottom of the heart, there would be so much thoughts . At that point , I felt really happy . I could see the happiness in her eyes, totally . Though I don't know her for very long , but I know that shes kind, she cares. Eventhough a drop of tear trickled down my eyes, I felt happy . Contented .

If I said I wasn't sad , I would be lieing too. 5years since the first time I got to know about this sport. 5years since I known you. 3years after I left , but we still kept in contact. Its the sport which keeps the communication between us , and the whole gang . You said you are leaving too. How can I not feel anything ? 5years. If not for you , I would never know this sport , and never learn so much . Not to mention , without it , I would have never met so much fun and nice people. Its because of you , that I have known this sport . ((: Nevertheless , I will never forget these memories we share , and more memories to come even after you have left . Cause I know , we will form a team outside next time , and we will still continue to play . I will still continue to play eventhough those tuesdays afternoon will not be spent at the paradesquare , cause thats me. You saide "Wow! You are really doing it." Ok , let me tell you this , yes , I am really doing it. Without this sport , there wouldn't be me , eventhough I don't play well . ((: All the best , thankyou.

Now , I am going to say that I am happy . For , today I have met so many people which I have not met for a long time. Some have changed , some have not. I am not sure how long this friendship will last us till. I am not sure if we are still able to remember each other afew years down the road. But I can assure , those memories and friendship forged , will be etched in my heart . ((:

Lastly , a year have passed . A year ago , on this fateful date , 28Aug, I had hurt someone with my words . I told that special person my true colours. Since then , I have never been able to face that person. A year. I have never went to find you. I did once , but its with the accompany of another friend. Truthfully, I don't think I can ever face you. Eventhough I have changed, but once its hurt , it cannot be mended . Its the truth , that cannot change . All I can say is , I am sorry, eventhough I know that you will not be reading this. ((:

2009-08-30T13:41:00.002+08:00

Its been sometime since there is a real post isnt it ?
Alright , so lets have a post today then .
Lets pen down all that I have for now . ((:

Recently , alot have been happening . Inside the house , and outside the house . Everything seems to change , unlike the past . I, too, have changed , I guess . I need time to adapt to these changes too. Am I given time ? I ain't so sure about it yea . All in all, I feel so weird nowadays , where everything feels so different . How I wish time could turn back to 2 years ago , where everything seemed so nice , and the road seemed so straight . And when I seem to be so young. ((:

In the past , I guess I was too young , everything seem so simple . Something small to me now , seems so big to me then . Is this a form of growing ? I ain't sure too. Its only after a short 24months , and everything seems so different . I can no longer find myself . I don't see myself just like what I was in the past . There are too many things for me to figure out , and think about . But , theres too little time , too little energy . How I wish I have an unlimited amount of energy , and I am able to do everything .

The road ahead seems so hard to walk through . Everything seems to be upside down . To a certain extent , I have grown . I have changed . But , I have not yet truly matured . I am greedy . I want everything to be right . When I am struggling , I think about god . I pray to him , and wish for everything to be the best . When everything is alright , I forget about him . I forget about the promises I had made when I need him . Nonetheless , it feels so hard to keep to it . I ain't a saint, I do the wrong things too . But , I don't feel that I am putting in enough effort . I am just trying to seek attention over here .

I am lost . Theres so much for me to say , but I don't know how to pen it down . I guess , its just all about it for now . ((:

Till then .

2009-08-29T20:04:00.000+08:00

I feel my mind deteorating .
I forget alot of things , but I just can't forget the pain in my heart.

2009-08-28T20:09:00.000+08:00

I don't want them to do it to me.
But why am I doing it to others ?
Why?

2009-08-27T20:04:00.000+08:00

I am getting tired , really .
End this , ok ?

2009-08-26T20:03:00.001+08:00

Sometimes , I really don't understand .

2009-08-25T20:47:00.000+08:00

She said those words , as though she could read my mind.
Thanks . ((:
Eventhough I don't think you know it.

2009-08-24T20:47:00.000+08:00

I guess I have changed ...
Grown ?

2009-08-23T20:46:00.000+08:00

When everything isn't right , and everyone turns their backs on you.
How great?

2009-08-22T16:53:00.000+08:00

Sometimes , its really too hard .
its just feels too hard to keep the smiles going .

2009-08-21T16:54:00.000+08:00

Emptiness overwhelms me .

2009-08-20T16:52:00.000+08:00

Tired .
Say hello , to no life . ((:

2009-08-19T16:50:00.000+08:00

You have changed , really .

2009-08-18T17:29:00.000+08:00

I need to get down to studying , very soon . ):

2009-08-17T17:29:00.000+08:00

Sometimes , the frowns are just more than the ups .

2009-08-16T22:02:00.000+08:00

If it was me , I wouldn't listen too .

2009-08-15T22:01:00.000+08:00

If they can't , it doesn't means that I can't too . ((:

2009-08-14T22:00:00.000+08:00

"Hmm.. it looks better now . ((: "

My heart melted abit when I heard this . ((:

2009-08-13T21:59:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I don't know how to motivate .
I have tried , but it doesn't seem to work .

2009-08-12T21:14:00.000+08:00

If you both are still hanging on ,
Why cant you both just stay peacefully ?
It breaks my heart , do you know ?

2009-08-11T21:13:00.000+08:00

If love fades overtime ..
Why are you both still hanging on after so many years ?

2009-08-10T21:13:00.001+08:00

Can't there be more peace ?
All I want is no quarrels and everyone will be happy .
I guess its really that hard , though .

2009-08-09T21:11:00.000+08:00

All i want is a happy family .
Is it really that difficult ?
Can't there just be more tolerance ?

2009-08-08T21:12:00.000+08:00

As the day passes , my energy level lowers .

2009-08-07T21:10:00.000+08:00

A haircut always makes my day . ((:

2009-08-06T21:10:00.000+08:00

There is always something , that will spoil everything .
Shagged .

2009-08-05T21:43:00.000+08:00

I have just realised .
I don't even have the energy to do something that I enjoy .

2009-08-04T21:42:00.000+08:00

Everyones buzy and tired .
They have no time to even talk to me .
I feel so lonely .

2009-08-03T18:49:00.000+08:00

Its still so empty .
When will it be filled ?

2009-08-02T18:47:00.000+08:00

Its getting heavier and heavier everyday .

2009-08-01T18:46:00.000+08:00

How long more do I have to wait ?
Like seriously .

2009-07-30T20:53:00.000+08:00

First impression is always important .
If you don't like someone from the first sight .
It will be hard for you to like that person in future .

P.S : Like = Friends / Accquaintance

2009-07-29T15:06:00.000+08:00

It isn't good then .
It is worse now .
Praying harder each and everyday .

2009-07-28T19:02:00.000+08:00

I am so drained , seriously .

2009-07-27T20:01:00.000+08:00

It felt okay , but the tiredness crashed to me somehow .
I am lost .

2009-07-26T20:00:00.000+08:00

I never knew its so tiring .
I have regretted for what I have done in the past .

2009-07-25T19:48:00.000+08:00

Everythings inside .
Kept tightly , locked .

2009-07-24T21:16:00.001+08:00

2years passed , just like this .

2009-07-23T20:45:00.000+08:00

Why give me a life , and let me suffer ?

2009-07-22T18:24:00.002+08:00

四目交接的时候
不要停留太久
适可而止的问候
关心不能太过好

奇也别去探索
妒嫉只能深锁
如果忍不住寂寞
也不能对你说

啊好朋友啊我的好朋友
不小心的沉默
不想让你太难过

我们就站在落地窗的两边
就算触碰也有了界限
如果跨越过彼此那道边界
是靠近还是更遥远

相信我们走到另一个境界
搭肩高唱友谊万万岁
要是我爱你变成了语言
什么会多一些什么会少一些

就让别人去猜测
我们清白的很
就让自己去承受
那种清白的闷

就算我只是朋友
能不能有要求
如果会发生什么
也是我想太多

啊好朋友就只是好朋友
不小心说出口
微笑中藏着难过

我们就站在落地窗的两边
就算触碰也有了界限
如果跨越过彼此那道边界
是靠近还是更遥远

你会不会也曾闪过这感觉
一念之间就要差一点
要是我爱你变成了利剑
什么会被消灭
什么才会复原

那是我的底线继续将你暗恋

暗恋；张智成

2009-07-21T18:23:00.000+08:00

How I wish ..
That I can sleep and never wake .

2009-07-20T18:23:00.000+08:00

Time flies .
People changes .
People grows .

I want to turn for the better , but can I ?

2009-07-19T18:22:00.000+08:00

It just gets too tired .
To an extent that I don't even have the energy to talk .

2009-07-18T18:21:00.000+08:00

Sleeping is the best remedy !

2009-07-17T18:21:00.000+08:00

I need motivation !

2009-07-16T18:20:00.000+08:00

Looks always matters .
From then till now , its always this way .

2009-07-15T18:16:00.002+08:00

"Juliana , can you help me take my _thing_ to _place_ ?
"Erm .. sure . "

Went to take _thing_ and went down to _place_
Reached _place_ ...

Opened the door ..
Saw a different person , and stunned there for 5seconds before closing the door .
Before the door was closed ...

"I am here ! I am here ! "

Pop , the person was behind .

P/s : this is what had happened .

2009-07-14T20:29:00.000+08:00

As I grow older , I look younger . ((:
Don't believe ? See my sec1 pictures .

2009-07-13T16:42:00.000+08:00

It becomes empty
When you spilled it accidentally
For no reason .

You tried upteen times to fill it up once more
But you found out that you can't
For there is a big hole in it .

Now , you are standing there ,
Waiting for support .
You look around , but theres no one .

You are alone .
What do you do ?
Cry ? Runaway ? Finding aimlessly ?

Nothing you do can help
For their is a hole , that you can never mend .

The only thing that you can do
Is to wait , and try to overcome the emptiness
You may not be able to overcome
But if you try , there may be hope .

So , don't give up .
No matter how tough things are .
No matter how many obstacles there are .

P/s . This can be for anyone .

Sometimes , its easier to say than to do .

2009-07-12T21:03:00.000+08:00

I have lost the confidence .
The confidence in me , that keeps me strong .

2009-07-11T16:37:00.000+08:00

I guess all along its myself that is the cause .
The only barrier towards others , is me .

2009-07-10T18:28:00.000+08:00

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are

There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will meit away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive

So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

It's a long road
When you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold

You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt will disappear

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside

So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

Lord knows......
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away hold on

There will be tomorrow
In time you'll find the way

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive

So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you
That a hero lies in you...
That a hero lies in you......

Hero - Mariah Carey

Is there really a hero , to fill up the empty space ?

2009-07-09T20:27:00.001+08:00

I will learn to cope on my own .
Instead of seeking help to fill my empty heart .

I will ; I must .

2009-07-08T20:19:00.000+08:00

Signs that shows I am 5years old !
Eventhough this was taken 2years back .

2009-07-07T16:26:00.000+08:00

Biggest liar , is me .
When will I learn to face the truth ?

2009-07-06T13:16:00.000+08:00

I miss this ! Sec1 !

Braces .. Aww .

2009-07-05T13:14:00.000+08:00

Those were the days , where I will never forget .

For the scars still remains .

2009-07-04T15:12:00.000+08:00

Instead of letting yourself forget , why not learn to get over it ?
Sometimes , you may never forget .

2009-07-03T17:49:00.000+08:00

I may think , but I will not touch .
I will never forget , never .

2009-07-02T13:03:00.001+08:00

Let go , when its the time to do so .

2009-07-01T13:01:00.001+08:00

Just being random . ((:
Nice shot though

2009-06-30T10:22:00.000+08:00

Me : Er .. Do you remember what time am I supposed to wake ?
Mum : Oh! Ya .. 7.30 right ? Its 8 now . Wake up ! :D

2009-06-29T10:14:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I really wonder .
How someone can open the mouth and not make any sound ?!
My squadmates should understand . Esp Nuriz . :X

2009-06-28T20:37:00.000+08:00

Peace only comes when you feel peace at heart .
Anger only comes when you feel angry at heart .
It will come , once you feel it .

2009-06-27T20:53:00.001+08:00

Just wait .
One day I will grow , and change into a better person .
Someone less talkative?